Bermonologue

The Onion makes me cry (from laughing so hard)

As a reporter, I make my living by writing within a specific framework. That framework has been well-defined over the years by the reporters who have come before me and created a style of writing that makes newspaper articles unmistakable.

It is my reverence for that style that makes me appreciate The Onion, a satirical newspaper with articles that are funny and painstakingly loyal to the art of newswriting.

With that said, here are some links to my favorite Onion articles:

Sparrow Aviation Administration Blames Collision on Failure to Detect Plane of Glass (07/25/06)

Five or Six Dudes Jump Out of Nowhere and Just Start Whaling on This One Guy (05/31/00)

Liberty City Police Face Allegations of Incompetence, Brutality (06/04/08)

Guy in Philosophy Class Needs to Shut the #%@! Up (09/28/05)

Our news clerk goes exploring

Warning: what follows is nothing more than shameless self co-worker promotion.

The Journal Scene editorial staff isn't made up of the coolest kids in the room, but we're no squares. We know when we have someone hip in our midst.

And that someone is Stefan Rogenmoser, our news clerk and resident rock star. His job with us can be painfully uncool at times. It's up to him to type the letters to the editor and press releases delivered by hand, fax or snail mail. In fact, I would have had him type this blog entry, but he's not here for the next few weeks.

Why, you might ask?

Because he's embarking on a tour with his legit band The Explorers Club — a self-professed "Sunshine Psychedelic Pop Group from the coast of Charleston, South Carolina" that "blends skilled pop/rock arrangements with 4 part vocal harmonies" and draws its "influences from the classic pop vocals of the Beach Boys and the Association combined with the rock and roll arrangements of Phil Spector, Chuck Berry, The Beatles, The Zombies and The Byrds."

They're on the road in support of their debut LP, Freedom Wind, a breezy, lovingly-crafted effort in the tradition of Pet Sounds.

The album is available here, here and here. Buy it. Don't buy it. Whatever. But wish our man Stefan nothing but the best as he strays from the Journal Scene nest for a spell to flap his rock and roll wings.

TV reporter's attack hits close to home

I couldn't help but cringe yesterday when I watched a video of a reporter being attacked while she was doing a story across the street from a house where a 73-year-old man was allegedly murdered by his grandson Monday.

Charmayne Brown, a veteran reporter at CBS affiliate WSPA, was covering the story in Union on Tuesday when the brutal attack occurred. Brown was reportedly standing on public property when the murder victim's relatives (who had allegedly been yelling racial slurs at Brown and her cameraman, both of whom are black, before the assault) surrounded her and repeatedly punched her.

The attack appeared to have an underlying racist motivation, which makes it even more disgraceful. But for me, it was even more distubring because Brown was just doing her job — a job that's similar to mine.

As a crime reporter, I sometimes find myself in uneasy situations, interacting with people whose emotions are running high. They've lost a loved one or a family member has been accused of a crime and by virtue of their connection to him or her, they're thrust into the limelight.

I can't imagine what the family of the 73-year-old man must be going through, and they probably felt like Brown was exploiting what must be a very difficult time for them. But what did attacking her accomplish?

Ironically, they tarnished their slain family member's memory in an effort to protect it.

 

Naked golden dude named Oscar makes short list

As a newspaper reporter, I go to my fair share of press conferences. Most of the time, they're much ado about nothing. However, there is one press conference that always delivers the goods — the annual Oscar nominations announcement.

Of course, I don't get to cover it. That means I'm usually relegated to the role of spectator. And like anyone watching from the sidelines, I have my own take on who's in and who's out.

I must admit first, however, that 2007 was not my most active as a moviegoer. While I'd like to think I kept my Netflix and Blockbuster Online queues a rockin' and a rollin', I didn't catch nearly as many flicks as I should have. Plus, most of the award season fare comes out in limited release in December in NYC and L.A. (just in the knick of time for consideration). So the average American probably hasn't had the chance to see all of the films jockeying for Oscars anyway.

Verbose and long-winded disclaimers aside, here are the nods I'm excited about:

Juno for Best Picture, Director (Jason Reitman), Actress (Ellen Page) and Original Screenplay (Diablo Cody) — Just saw this over the weekend. It is a truly wonderful film. Page absolutely owns the screen and Cody (a former stripper), in her first screenplay, has created authentic characters with just enough elasticity that they are bigger than life. My fellow Denison alum Jennifer Garner proves yet again that she's criminally underrated (speaking of Denison alums, another Denisonian, Hal Holbrook, received a nomination for his role in Into the Wild). Strong turns by J.K. Simmons, Michael Cera, Jason Bateman and Allison Janney make this one of the best ensemble casts since Magnolia.

Johnny Depp, Best Actor in Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street — Depp never disappoints but his take on the title character from genius Stephen Sondheim's macabre classic is a huge stride forward for him in unchartered territory. And yes, dude can sing.

Amy Ryan, Best Supporting Actress in Gone Baby Gone — Ryan's portrayal of a junkie who's a horrible mother is painful to watch...in a good way. She's more heroin than heroine in Ben Affleck's directorial debut, which should have yielded more than just Ryan's nomination. It should be up for Best Picture and yes, Affleck for Best Director (stay behind the camera Ben, you've found your calling).

And that brings me to the snubs:

No Best Picture nomination for Ratatouille? — Sure it got the obligatory nod for animated feature but Brad Bird's animated masterpiece was BY FAR the year's biggest cinematic accomplishment. It's moving, hilarious and beautiful to look at. If you think it's just about a talking rat who cooks, you missed the point. It's about reaching for the stars while remaining true to yourself and where you came from.

No Original Screenplay nod for Knocked Up? Sure it's crass, crude and even gross, but Judd Apatow's screenplay managed to be the year's funniest and among the most heart-warming (kind of like his previous film The 40-Year-Old Virgin, which also got the snub from Oscar).

For now, I'm going to catch up on all the nominees I missed and remain bitter about the ones the Academy missed. Let's just hope this is the last time Michael Moore is recognized for a "documentary."

Knight in shining humor

I realize Bermonologue's been on a bit of a sports kick but the comedy of college basketball coach Bobby Knight is universal and hilarious.

Last night, Knight notched his 900th career win as a head coach. Currently at the helm of the Texas Tech men's squad, Knight trails only Tennessee women's basketball coach Pat Summit in all time wins.

Knight's storied career, which began at Ohio State as a player, and took him to coaching stints at Army and Indiana before landing him in Lubbock, has been just as notable for his rough sense of humor as his basketball acumen.

After reaching yet another coaching milestone last night, Knight topped it with a comedic cherry by chastising the crowd. He took the microphone and said:

"You people here tonight, with seats being full for a change, really made one hell of a difference."

What make Knight's soundbites special is they usually contain a few grains of truth. Call him a jerk if you want, but he's one insightful jerk.

And proof that I'm a glutton for punishment — my favorite Bobby Knight tongue lashings are the ones he's aimed at journalists.

Here are a few of my favorites:

"All of us learn to write in the second grade. Most of us go on to greater things."

"I'm trying to help you young guys in this profession you've chosen that's one or two steps above prostitution."

"When my time on Earth is gone and my activities here are passed, I want they bury me upside down and my critics can kiss my a--!"

To get the full Bobby Knight audio/visual experience, check out this video and be ready for a bevy of beeps.

**Update (03/13/08 @ 10:55 a.m.) — In an ironic twist, Knight is now a college basketball analyst for ESPN. As the old saying goes, don't throw stones...

 

Help remember and honor Cassidy Pendley

Tomorrow night (Dec. 20) at 6 p.m. in the auditorium at Fort Dorchester High School — classmates, friends and family will honor the memory of Cassidy Pendley, a 2007 FDHS graduate who lost her life in the tragic Ocean Isle beach house fire in October that killed six other college students.

Pendley was, by all accounts, an amazing person. She was known for her intelligence in the classroom, prowess on the soccer field and her kind spirit that touched the lives of those she knew and even those she didn't.

Two weeks ago I spoke with Pendley's mother, Lisa Evert. In a candid one-hour interview, Evert addressed her own journey through grief. In the wake of her loss, Evert has managed to gain a great deal of perspective.

Among her many moving reflections and astute observations, Evert offered her take on remembrance:

"It's not just about me receiving love and support. In having memorials, I've found, there's a reciprocity there. Young people might have fewer tools to deal with the grief. I encourage them to talk to each other."

If you knew Cassidy Pendley and want to honor her, tomorrow night's memorial service might just be the right time to engage in that dialogue of grief Evert was talking about.

 

Adhesive-backed comedy

While on my way into work this morning I saw a hilarious bumper sticker. It read:

AT LEAST THE WAR ON THE ENVIRONMENT IS GOING WELL

I admit, I laughed out loud when I saw it. But it doesn't trump my all-time favorite:

YES, THIS IS MY TRUCK AND NO, I WILL NOT HELP YOU MOVE

gues[S] wha[T]'s b[E]ing [R]eleased t[O]day [I]nclu[D]ing name[S]?

This afternoon at 2, former U.S. Sen. George Mitchell will release his findings on the use of performance-enhancing drugs in Major League Baseball. Like Washington did when Deborah "D.C. Madam" Palfrey threatened to name her customers, the baseball faithful are waiting with baited breath to see if their favorite sluggers made the list.

Preliminary reports suggest that a smattering of high-profile players will be included. Sure it's intriguing to think of who might be on there. We'll probably see the usual suspects (and by "suspects" I mean scapegoats) like Barry B. and Jason G.

But I'm more interested in who won't be on there. Why, you ask?

Well, in addition to all his other hats (lawyer/recovering politician/former Disney chairman), Mitchell wears a Boston Red Sox cap. He's the director of the defending champs' front office. Boston Herald sportswriter Michael Silverman says ballplayers in Beantown aren't exactly safe. But we won't know until 2 p.m. when the report is posted in its entirety on MLB.com.

If there are a ton of Yankees on there and hardly any Red Sox, don't be surprised if sports' second greatest rivalry (See Exhibit A) reaches WWIII proportions.

**Update (12/14/07 @ 1 p.m.) — The Mitchell Report dropped with a resounding thud on Major League Baseball yesterday. And I think I can confidently say that although I don't believe Mitchell wrote a biased report in Boston's favor, the disparity between former Yankees players and former Red Sox players named is cavernous.

No less than 20 past and/or current Yankees are named in the report including: Roger Clemens, Andy Pettite, David Justice and Chuck Knoblauch. The NY Daily News published a story today about the report's impact on the team. Read it here.

The Red Sox didn't come out of the report unscathed. Two members of its 2007 World Champion team, Eric Gagne and Brendan Donnelly, are implicated by Mitchell. Clemens won three of his record seven Cy Young Awards with the Red Sox, but the report claims his use of performance-enhancing drugs took place when he was with the Toronto Blue Jays and the Yankees. Similarly, Mo Vaughn — who won the AL MVP in 1995 as a member of the Red Sox — is believed to have used human growth hormone, but it was long after his days in Boston.

Quantify your presidential preference

Any way you slice it, politics and numbers have become inextricably linked. From polling results to campaign finance to slim margins of votes in Florida, numbers dominate the political landscape. Yet voting is supposed to be a visceral act independent from the influence of decimal places and percentage points. After all, isn’t using numbers to choose a candidate just as bad as pulling the lever because he or she “looks presidential”?

But what if you gave into that temptation? What if you treated your vote more like an equation and less like a decision?

Curious? Then check out VA Joe.com's CANDIDATE CALCULATOR

It’s a fun — albeit far from perfect — way to determine your presidential soul mate. You can plant your flag on either side of 24 issues ranging from abortion to waterboarding to whether or not we should drill for oil in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge. Then, you rank how important each issue is to you as a voter.

The end result is a series of percentage matches showing your level of compatibility with each candidate from most to least. The results can be surprising and, for some, disturbing. The “Calculator” won’t necessarily turn you against yourself, but it might give you a glimpse into your political psyche that only numbers can provide.

After you're done, feel free to post your results (and reaction) in the comment section below. Now go calculate!

**Update (01/17/08 @ 9:55 a.m.) — Thanks to my editor Ryan (his blog can be found here) who told me about glassbooth.org and it's great — better than the "Candidate Calculator." Check it out.

Welcome to Bermonologue!

David Berman here.

I'm one of the new faces at the Summerville Journal Scene. I started in September as a staff writer after two years in a similar capacity at a newspaper in Barnwell. Apparently, some folks around here don't know where Barnwell is located.

For the record, it's in South Carolina — about two hours northwest of Summerville. And in case you're wondering, no, I do not glow in the dark (and if I had a shiny penny for every time I heard that one, I would own a newspaper instead of just writing for one).

I generally cover public safety and a myriad of feature stories and profiles. I like both and enjoy the balance between the two. It's important to me that I not just cover the crime aspect of public safety but the heroics and community efforts of the men and women who protect us as well.

Unfortunately, in a town and county exploding with growth, the presence of crime is inevitable. Simply put: more people = more likelihood of crime.

With that said, I hope this blog can offer a detour from what I write about in the newspaper and maybe even a glimpse into my other interests — which include but are not limited to sports, hip-hop, film/television and this quirky world we all share.

It is with great enthusiasm that I welcome you to...Bermonologue.